As requested by Nate…

“We’ve run out of tea bags.”
There probably wasn’t a worse phrase you could utter at the Bio-Weapons lab of OmniSlay plc.
“Oh no, the viper has escaped!” or “I seem to of mislaid that uranium,” were things that could be dealt with, things that had procedures in place, there were handbooks and manuals for that kind of thing, but running out of tea Goddamit?
“Fredricks, what exactly do you mean when you say, ‘we’ve run out of tea’?” asked DeWinter, looking up from his important bit of soldering at the skinny drink of water that stood in the door way.
DeWinter despised Fredricks at the best of time, just look at him there now, all under bite and stupid hair, clutching a steaming kettle and practically wetting himself, he didn’t even open his action figures, leaving them at home in a cupboard, ‘mint on card’, what kind of man does that!?
Fredricks mouth worked silently as he stared off to one side and shrugged, his lips groping for words.
“Well…I looked in the cupboard above the sink and there were no PG Tips left in the box…”
“Have you checked in reactor room? Tony always keeps a stash in the reactor room. He thinks we don’t know about them…” this was Michaels, looking up from welding a 40,000 watt taser to the tip of a (currently) unconscious Siberian Tiger.
DeWinter cut Fredricks off before her could reply, “No good, all irradiated, I thought as much so I made a brew for Mrs Selsby…”
“The Cleaner?” Offered Fredricks.
“Yes,” sighed DeWinter, clearly irked by the interruption, “The cleaner, she died of Strontium 90 poisoning although she claimed I never put enough sugar in.”
“Bugger,” said Michaels.
“I know, she wasn’t half bad with a duster.”
“No, I meant we’re still out of tea.”
DeWinter steepled his fingers and looked off into the middle distance.
“Activate Ultimate Monkey Strike Force,” he hissed.
Fredricks stupid mouth hung open and his eyes widened while Michaels slammed down his welding torch.
“For God’s sake man, you can’t be serious!”
“Oh but I am Lesley…deadly serious.”
Fredricks mouth groped for words once more, “B-b-but sir, Ultimate Monkey Strike Force are only to be used in an emergency!”
“Fredricks, we’re out of fucking tea, what part of this isn’t emergent enough for you!?! Begin the launch sequence!”
Michaels go to his feet.
“DeWinter, don’t you remember what happened last time? They’re still rebuilding parts of Guildford now…”
DeWinter turned on Michaels, eyes gleaming, “Oh really Lesley? And who is it here who has the compulsion to surgically attach flame throwers to primates all the damn time? I bet you’ve got one on that tiger already haven’t you?”
Michaels looked down at his feet.
“Just a small one…only a two litre tank…”
“Fredricks! Launch the simians and ensure that ‘Big Dave’ is fully loaded this time, no half-measures!”
Close to tears and already a trembling wreck, Fredricks tried to salute with the hand holding the kettle and almost burned himself before scurrying away down the hall.
“Are you sure about this DeWinter?” asked Michaels.
“Do you want to go to Tescos Lesley?”
There was no reply.
“No…I thought not.”
DeWinter returned to his soldering and then looked back up.
“Oh dear God…what have I done?”
The sirens began and the red lights started to flash all over the compound, a calm female voice began to count down from 10…
“What? What is it!?” asked Michaels.
“I forgot to ask them to get me a Double Decker while they were out…”

Advertisements